100 Dad Jokes

              Best Dad Jokes

● Did you hear about the actor who broke his leg onstage? He's still in the cast.

● How do you get a country girl's attention? A tractor.

● What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business.

● Why did the pharmacist walk on her tiptoes? She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

● I wanted to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any.

● Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.

● I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

● What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.

● I had a date last night, and it was perfect. Tomorrow, I'll have a fig.

● What did the police officer say to his belly button? You're under a vest.

● Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “Any idea how to drive this thing?”

            Best Bad Dad Jokes 

● What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.

● I don't tell dad jokes that often. But when I do, he usually laughs.

● What’s the best way to get the hospital after breaking your foot? With a tow truck.

● Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four it would be a sedan.

● What did the pirate say on his birthday? “Aye, matey!”

● I was going to tell a sodium joke, then I thought, “Na.”

● What's a witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling.

● Why are frogs good at baseball? They know how to catch fly balls.

● What's the easiest building to lift? A lighthouse.

● Why do sweaters tend to hang out together? They're pretty close-knit.

● Why did the zombie take a nap? He was dead tired.
            

         Best Dad Funny Jokes 

● Did you hear about the archeologist that got fired? Now his career is in ruins.

● What did the buffalo say to her son on the first day of school? “Bison.”

● Why do ducks have feathers on their tales? To hide their butt-quacks.My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” So I went in as Batman.

● I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long. There’s something fishy about that place.

● What do you call a sheep who can sing and dance? Lady Ba Ba.

● What do you call a French man wearing sandals? Philipe Fallop.

● Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Because they're extinct.

● I gave my handyman a to-do list, but he only did jobs 1, 3, and 5. Turns out he only does odd jobs.

● My wife asked me to stop singing "Wonderwall" to her. I said, "Maybe..."Why should you never take sides in an argument at the dinner table? Trick question. It's the perfect time to take sides because no one's paying attention. Bring Tupperware.

● Who won the neck decorating contest? It was a tie.

● Where do rainbows go when they've been bad? To prism, so they have time to reflect on what they've done.

● Dogs can't operate MRI machines. But catscan.

● What do mermaids use to wash their fins? Tide.

● What did the skillet eat on its birthday? Pan-cakes.

● Why couldn't the produce manager make it to work? He could drive, but he didn't avocado.

           Best Jokes For Dad 

● I went to a silent auction. I won a dog whistle and two mimes.

● How is my wallet like an onion? Every time I open it, I cry.

● What do you call a dog who meditates? Aware wolf.

● What kind of fish do penguins catch at night? Star fish.

● Which vegetable has the best kung fu? Broc-lee.

● Can a frog jump higher than a house? Of course, a house can't jump.

● I was going to try an all almond diet, but that's just nuts.

● What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

● What kind of noise does a witch's vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.

● My girlfriend keeps accusing me of cheating. She's starting to sound like my wife.

● What's brown and sticky? A stick.

● Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.

● I once submitted 10 puns to a joke competition. I really thought with that many, one was sure to be a winner. Sadly, no pun in ten did.

● Why did the old man fall down the well? He couldn’t see that well.

● I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.

        Best Funny Dad Jokes 

● Dad: What is the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue?
Me: I don't know.
Dad: You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.
Me: What about the pot of glue?
Dad: I knew you'd get stuck on that.

● Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, "Do you have a favorite song?" The other replies, "Well... all my life I have been a heavy metal fan."

● Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance... So I pushed her over.
● I got an A on my origami assignment when I turned my paper into my teacher.
● How many storm troopers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, because they are all on the dark side.
● If your house is cold, just stand in the corner. It’s always 90 degrees there.
Hi, I’m Cliff. Drop over sometime.
● Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor for a headache? The doctor examined his ear and found money. The doctor kept pulling and pulling it out until he had $1,999. Then the doctor said, "No wonder you're not feeling two grand!"
● Dad, when he puts the car in reverse: "Ah, this takes me back."

● What do you call the security guards for Samsung? Guardians of the galaxy.

● What's the most detail-oriented ocean? The Pacific.

●  What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea.

● What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween? Baaad to the bone.

● Why did the lobster blush? Because it saw the ocean's bottom!

● Want to know why nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.

● What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator.

● What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas.

● My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.

● Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.

● Why do some couples go to the gym? Because they want their relationship to work out.